Kremer, party of 4! After 4 failed IUIs, and mentally accepting that we were moving on to IVF, I sat waiting for the dreaded pee stick results like I had the past months and out of the corner of my eye I saw ONE word and not two, “PREGNANT.” It was around 6am, and I sat in shock for what seemed like forever before running into Matt shaking. Our fifth (and final) IUI had worked!! Ironically, hours after I found out I was pregnant, the IVF pharmacy called to push through my meds to start my first IVF cycle. It was truly meant to be. Looking back, everything still feels so surreal and this little babe is a true miracle!
It feels like just yesterday that I was sitting down to right this post about being pregnant with Logan. Feeling the same butterflies and anxiousness, mixed with excitement. If you have been following for some time, you likely know that getting pregnant hasn’t been the easiest for us. After trying for baby #2, looking back I realize how lucky we really were that our very first IUI worked for Logan…
Lets back up a bit…
Last spring, right before Logan’s first birthday, Matt and I started trying for baby #2. Part of me was hopeful that we would fall into that category of couples who struggle to conceive their first and get lucky with their second, not having to go down the fertility route. After a few months passed with no luck, I had a gut feeling that we were not going to fall into that bucket. Matt and I then decided to connect back with our fertility doctor.
It all felt so familiar, I was instantly brought back to where I was a couple years prior, but this time I have to admit I felt way more confident, especially after our first IUI worked with Logan. We chatted and came up with a similar game plan and soon my blood work, ultrasounds, and early morning doctors appoints began.
Although I had already been through this, I was a bit naive since we were so fortunate with Logan. As mentioned, Logan was conceived through a “natural” IUI where you do not take any supplemental fertility medication, and on the first attempt. In this case, the first 2 IUIs we did were natural IUIs and both failed. Although I was very discouraged, I was still confident that when I went on fertility medication that would definitely work, right?! So many gals have success when introducing fertility medication that stimulate multiple follicles. Then, I did 2 more IUIs with the addition of Clomid. For each IUI, I had multiple follicles, overall great levels, and no signs of male infertility, and yet the IUIs failed. I was at a loss.
IUIs to IVF…
I tried to tell myself all along that it was super rare my first IUI worked with Logan, but admittedly after our third round I started to lose hope. If any of you are struggling to conceive, you know what an emotional roller coaster it is. High highs, mixed with low lows. It really can be all consuming: first you are trying everything during your ovulation cycle to get pregnant, then the two week wait where it is really all you think about, and then the cycle starts all over.
I was trying to be so grateful for the incredible son I already had, but also having Logan gave me a taste of the “good stuff,” which only left me wanting more. I also wanted more than anything for Logan to have the gift of a sibling like Matt and I both have. We just know he will make the absolute best big brother! After our third IUI failed, my doctor wanted to schedule a zoom call to talk about IVF and next steps.
My heart sunk, I always knew in the back of my mind it was a possibility, but to be honest I just didn’t believe it would be part of my story. I kept questioning how the IUI worked with Logan and why it wouldn’t now. I struggled A LOT coming to terms with moving onto IVF. To be honest, it took me almost two months to wrap my head around it all and come to a place of peace and acceptance. I reached out to a few gals I knew that had been through this journey, but realized that there was no answer that would help me, I just had to find clarity and get there myself.
At this point we were doing our 4th IUI because it was right around Thanksgiving and that was going to be our last. When that one failed, we looked at the calendar with my fertility doctor for December and we realized they weren’t doing IVF in December because of the holiday, so we decided why not just do one last and final IUI on December 23. It was covered by our insurance, it’s a non-evasive procedure, and we figured it couldn’t hurt to try, even though we had mentally turned the chapter to IVF. Over Christmas Matt and I took a 3 hour IVF online class, dealt with insurance, and scheduling the medications.
The 2 week wait is always brutal, but thankfully I had the Christmas holiday and then New Years in Lake Placid to take my mind off of things. I tried to just enjoy the holidays and relax as much as I could, enjoyed some wine (I always try and cut down on alcohol and caffeine when trying to get pregnant) and just take in this time before we kicked things into gear with IVF.
Finding out the news…
It was shortly after our return home from Lake Placid, I was to take a pregnancy test that Tuesday (they usually have you come in for blood work to confirm, but with Covid you do an at home test now – I have never dreaded anything more). I started to have mild cramping and in my head thought my period was coming and was devastated (nothing will make that feeling of despair go away, even if I was ready for IVF to start).
Sunday night I couldn’t sleep at all, my mind was all over the place and for my own sanity I had to take a pregnancy test early Monday morning to just rip the bandaid off and get ready for the next phase. As I mentioned above, it was around 6am I peed on a stick, left it on my sink and waited. I HATE looking at these things because for me they are usually filled with so much disappointment. I remember squinting out of the corner of my eye and seeing just one word PREGNANT. I don’t think I have ever been in such shock in my entire life. The emotions I felt were so intense, but I also thought too good to be true. To be honest, when I ran into Matt he was just as in shock as I was, it freaking worked…our 5th and last IUI (that we were not even going to do!!) before switching to IVF worked!! It was and still is the biggest miracle I will always remember. I’m still speechless when I think about it all and honestly why it has taken me a bit to share. The “too good to be true” feelings hit immediately, as well as the crazy nerves before every single doctors appointment. But, I am happy to report that so far all is well and we will meet baby K #2 this September 🙂
You are not alone…
I wanted to end this post by saying if you are going through something similar, you are not alone. I have connected with so many of you throughout this journey and those connections have been so very meaningful to me. I have loved talking with you via DMs and e-mail. I am an open book. I know how isolating this process can feel and please know I am here as a sound board, friend, anything you need. Like I said with Logan, the trying process can feel like years, but in the end it all feels like seconds and completely worth it. Every story is unique and beautiful and makes us who we are today.
Thank you all for all the love and support over the years and we can’t wait to share this next adventure with you!
Photography: Sydney Sheehan